Consequences of Betrayal and Abandonment
Being betrayed by your significant other, having to move out of the house you pay for, dealing with an unwieldy court system that makes sure you feel as though you are guilty of a crime you didn't commit, and losing all of your prior friends and connections can be an incredibly crushing blow. But it is something that a distressingly large number of men have to face each and every day.
David's Story
David was one of those men, recently betrayed by his wife and left to pick up the pieces of his life. He had to leave his home, and as a result, lost a large portion of his financial stability. Can you imagine the tormenting task of paying for not only his own life in a new residence, but also the financial demands of his ex-wife? All the while, he had no say in how his children were being raised or when he could see them. David was left to not just start over, but to start over with a financial burden pressed in his back. He lived in a storage locker for almost a year. David put 12 years into building a family that just let him go without warning, and without looking back.
John's Story
It was a summer day when it all changed, the day John had to start his life over again. The courts had decreed it, he was now to be the sole provider of his children and his ex-wife, after all of his hard work to create a stable household was eradicated. John had worked hard for the home he lived in, the car he drove, and the life he and his family had created. The differences between his old and new life were stark. John was now living in a single- bedroom apartment, with little to no company. No one to talk too; alone with his thoughts. He was driving an old, used, broken down car that he prayed would start every time he turned the key. He was now accustomed to having to scrape together enough money to pay the bills, living on a diet of hot dogs and mac and cheese. It was now a lonely life compared to back when his ears always heard laughter, and his skin felt warmth and love. John was sitting in a hand-me-down chair from the salvation army, as it was the only piece of furniture he had in his living room, left wondering where all the light went. Why was it always dark?
All of his friends had slowly faded away from him, having not wanted to pick sides in his now ended marriage. John still felt the warmth of his former life, but it was getting easier to feel the cold. No more hugs walking through the door after a long hard day at work; something that used to wash away all anxiety and pain. No more stories before bed, no more love from the woman he married all those years ago, back when they were dreaming of what the future had in store. That's something John couldn't understand. Not only was his past gone and the present washed away, but his future, the one he planned on, was blown apart like a house of cards. Every few weeks he was to be able to spend a few hours with the kids, which was court granted, without any say or interest in his wants. Just enough to remind him why his life still had something worth fighting for; his kids. But where to begin?
It is not only the financial upheaval that people like David and John have to face; it is also the social isolation. All the moments and experiences you shared with your friends and family that have been ripped away - these are just a few of the obstacles that men have to face as a result of divorces.
Sam's Story
While John stood strong, day in and day out, Sam found himself searching for a home in places far more inappropriate to pass the time on those dark and lonely nights. Sam left his two bedroom condo when one day he found the locks were changed when he got home from work. The one that he bought with his high school sweetheart, and the one they lived in for almost a decade after their daughter was born.
Sam was another great, hardworking family man, who always gave his daughter, who he called 'bug,' butterfly kisses and flew kites with her in the summer, but came home from a 16-hour shift to an empty home with new locks and his new car he leased with his wife missing from the driveway. He called his wife's cell, and the line was disconnected. He didn't know what to do, so he called his brother. Turns out his wife, the one he pictured his life with and shared a little girl with, had dropped all of his belongings off at his brothers house.
Sam's brother let him stay there for four weeks, sleeping on a pullout couch in his basement. Sam didn't leave those must- smelling, grey cinder block walls. He chose to sit there in a constant reminder of what life was like for him now, and that loneliness had no end in sight. Every day was a reminder of his lost home and the joy 'bug' gave it, replaced by the cold and silence. He couldn't imagine the next fight he would have on his hands.
When the court papers got there. He is suffering now, not knowing what to do since he is no longer listed on any accounts. He is broke, with no home, a man with no world.
Frank's Story
Frank had it all. He had been in-love and married for 18 years and had two smart and beautiful children. A son and daughter, a house that he and his beautiful wife, the one who still took his breath away, had miraculously been able to purchase when they found out about the coming of their second child, and a job he actually enjoyed. Life had been good, and Frank and his family felt loved and secure.
Little did they know, their world was about to come crashing down around them.
When Frank and his wife separated, the court ruled against him and he was left to suffer through despair. His former wife was given custodial rights. He was ordered to pay her the majority of his paycheck for upkeep of the home, that he had purchased, since she was the only one now living in it. She drove their cars, and he was only allowed to spend time with his children when the courts allowed.
Everything Frank loved - his family, his home, and his life - were gone in an instant. Frank was forced to make ends meet as best he could, and soon found himself living in a storage locker he had rented years before when they were working on their basement. His sleeping quarters were filled with spiders and bugs and his daily life consisted of immense loneliness and sorrow. The contrast between his home, filled with life and laughter, to his single mettle room was devastating. In addition, his friends had faded away as he had chosen to focus on his family and marriage. He was left lost and unable to find a way out of the darkness.
If he tried, he could recall the crack of laughter from his children, the warmth of his wife's embrace, the joy of spending time with her. Even though she had already moved on and had a new boyfriend, and he wondered would he take his little one to the father daughter dance? Would he be at his baseball games to tell him to watch the pop up when he played second? Would he be the one to go? He still felt his heart break at that question. It was one that he had looked forward to for a long time. Would he be the one going? Frank knew that it wasn't going to be him, for the cruise that was no longer planned and the other milestones that would be missed were no longer Franks.
Frank was faced with many hard days and lonely nights as he tried to make his way through his newfound sadness. He often contemplated walking until he could go somewhere the courts
couldn't find him, but his children held him back. Instead, he chose to soldier on. He rediscovered hope in the small moments he was able to spend with his children and tried to find pleasure in the little things.
The one thing all these men have in common are they were willing to suffer an unimaginable pain in order to be in their children's lives. This is something that a lot of men can't handle. When a marriage falls apart, the entirety of the world is against you. There may be small wins, but you either spend a fortune on opportunistic lawyers who will have you fighting for years and paying money you don't have, or make a go of it on your own and learn as much as you can. I chose to fight for my kids.
If you or someone you know is currently suffering, has suffered, or will find this article helpful please pass it along. I am going to open a place in the forum for family support, as it has come to my attention that there are so many of you suffering the way I have and I never knew. We all have to get together, share our experiences, and stand up for the fight of the father.
The statistics are there: children growing up in single-parent families typically do not have the same economic or life resources available as those growing up in two-parent families. Compared to children in married-couple families, children raised in single-parent households are 28% more likely to drop out of school, to have or cause a teen pregnancy, and/or to experience a divorce in adulthood. In one parent households, kids under 18 are 25% more likely to be pregnant, and 34% more likely to use drugs or be in jail. The destruction of the family unit is a tragedy faced by so many Americans today. Woman are 75% more likely to initiate a divorce and 88% more likely to get anything and everything they ask for. Gentleman, lets even the odds...
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